I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking