Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”