my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.