[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.