Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
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who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
The A string on my guit_r is flat
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?