H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.