MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.