The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.