ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Morning.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.