I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.