Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Do not levitate over flowers
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”