My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child