Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
is this how new cars are made??
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?