As the Lord intended
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Canada has crack?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.