Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
do u think theres a butter planet?
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Blew out my flip flop…
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING