In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever