me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes