*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.