I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.