[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?