MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Meth is short for Elizameth.