My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
tis the season
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I have two kinds of followers
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.