I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain