Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else