If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter