I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
haha same
The three genders.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Some people were born into their job.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I am all good here, 😂😉