5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
This week’s mood.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.