Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.