if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.