Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Bless you
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
won’t smith
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem