If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
This is my bus stop.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name