The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
We found love in a hopeless place.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!