Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Great, now I have to pee.”