The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.