Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
A leaf blower, but for people.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
thinking about a very short hotdog
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
they finally got him. they got macavity
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%