A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
next question.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
why no one uses midhusbands
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.