her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
You Might Also Like
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
lmao
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning