“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?