I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.