Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
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People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.