Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.