Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
A leaf blower, but for people.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that