* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
no!! no!!!!!!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.