Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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much to think about
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes