Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.