Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
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My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
the answer was staring at me all along
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why