I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.