If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
crying
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Only Americans understand
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life