*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
You Might Also Like
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
5 ways to appear taller
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.