My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
SPLOOT
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.